


Thoughts of a Selfish Man

by Wolfheart



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Blow Jobs, Caleb's POV, Dubious Consent, Fjord doesn't actually show up in this fic, M/M, Masturbation, Pining, Self-Esteem Issues, Sexual Fantasy, This is all about Caleb's thoughts angst and well fantasies, again warning for SPOILERS, episode 37 and after spoilers, mentions and hints at past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-09-20 17:42:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17027184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wolfheart/pseuds/Wolfheart
Summary: That same feeling warmed and knotted in Caleb's gut when he'd sat on Avantika's bed and mocked her to Beau and Nott. It wasn't innocent. It wasn't relief at having another chance at life.It was bitterness. It was jealousy, and Caleb didn't know how to handle that.AKA: PWP of Caleb pining after Fjord and not handling it very well





	Thoughts of a Selfish Man

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: There is mention of Fjord/Avantika's relationship having some dubious consent so be prepared for that. It's only mentioned a few times, but you've been warned.
> 
> Oh man I've been wanting to write Critical Role fanfiction for so long now. Dude, I ship... so many ships. Fjord/Caleb has become one of my soft spots, especially with some of these last episodes. Yes, yes good. Please leave kudos and/or comments! It puts a smile on my face. ❤

It was wholesome concern, really. When Caleb mentioned how Avantika's death was going to be hard on Fjord, he meant that. He was worried, and he wasn't going to accept Beau's flippant comments on it either. They were all worried. He knew that. She knew that. It needed to be out in the open. Caleb needed to voice it aloud, for Fjord's sake.

This, however, wasn't for Fjord's sake.

It was late. Caleb knew he wouldn't get very much sleep tonight with how glued he'd been to his books. He was alone. Nott had passed out from drinking in Jester's quarters after her, Jester, Yasha, and Beau had all been playing one of Jester's games to pass the time. He didn’t mind. It wasn’t the first time Nott has roomed with the others, and Caleb would be lying if he said he wasn’t happy Nott had warmed up to all of them. He remembered when it was just the two of them. Nott deserved to have friends, to have people who recognized and saw how clever and quick she was. She certainly deserved to have more than just him.

There was no one here but Caleb. Only the glowing globules of light, his books, and the silence were here to keep him company, but none of which were able to occupy his mind.

He read and reread the last several pages of the book in his lap. His brow wrinkled in frustration as his mind kept slipping back to the captain's quarters and back to the Plank King's throne room. The image of Avantika's neck getting snapped sent a chill up Caleb’s spine because that just as easily could have been any one of them. If they'd been a little less lucky and a little less persuasive, they would have all perished in Darktow. Even miles away now in open water, it still felt too close for comfort.

It wasn't the terror that kept Caleb awake. No, the terror he was used to. He was used to fear and uncertainty as a blanket to keep him warm in the dead of the night. No, it was the relief he felt that kept him on edge. It should be justified. It should be expected of him to feel such because their lives had been on the line, but it felt… skewed. It wasn't just a calmness. No, he felt a more selfish gratefulness at Avantika’s death.

It wasn't that Caleb didn't understand why he felt that way. No, he was much too smart to play ignorance in his own mind. Even though it shocked him, he knew what it meant. That same feeling warmed and knotted in his gut when he'd sat on Avantika's bed and mocked her to Beau and Nott. It wasn't innocent. It wasn't relief at having another chance at life.

It was bitterness. It was jealousy, and Caleb didn't know how to handle that.

He hadn't felt it before, not really. Call it adrenaline or call it an occupational hazard, but Caleb had been on board with Fjord sleeping with Avantika to both gather information and help move their plans forward. It was a safety precaution. Caleb had encouraged it even. Sure, there had been something ugly brewing low and deep inside him, but Caleb hadn't recognized it until the aftermath. It was a fluke, a passing thing. It was a side effect of loneliness. It wasn't supposed to linger and demand so much of his attention now that they were sailing away from trouble.

His heart was beating too fast in his chest, and Caleb just wanted it to _stop._ There was no reason. Why was he even thinking about them together still? Why did he feel superior sitting on that bed, reveling in her death? It should have just been sympathy and concern as to why he opened his mouth to mention Fjord, not _guilt_ also sitting heavy on his chest.

Caleb ran a hand over his face, scratching his nails over the stubble on his cheeks. The exhaustion he felt wasn't just from inability to sleep. He closed the book, placed it on the side table, and leaned back against the headboard. There wasn't a port window in his room to distract him, but he tried to zone his attention on the creaking wood as the ship rocked. His eyes slipped closed as he listened. His heartbeat was still louder.

The conversation he had with Jester came to mind. Caleb remembered how heartbroken she looked while talking about Fjord. His relationship with Avantika wasn't secret to any of them and listening to the grief in Jester's words made Caleb's heart ache.

The feeling wasn't the same with Jester as it was with Avantika. He didn't feel any jealousy when they’d spoken, he realized. Jester was… someone Caleb had grown to care about. He hadn't meant to get this close to these people, but alas here he was. Nott had made him promise not to regret that. He hadn't promised, not really, but he also didn't not promise either. It was close enough.

No, Jester's words had saddened him. Caleb was sad for her and… Well, just sad. He didn't feel guilty because why would he? As much as he didn't want to humor and put a name to his own feelings, there was no competition. Even if he wanted to--and he didn't--he wouldn't be able to stand in between Fjord and Jester. They were, admittedly, good for each other if Caleb really thought about it. Jester's innocence, refreshing humor, and sweetness was something he'd seen Fjord react to. Yes, he brushed off some of it, but Caleb was certain it was only because it embarrassed him. He'd seen Fjord blush at her words, and Caleb had also seen their closeness, especially after they'd been kidnapped.  Caleb had caught them speaking together once, quietly with just each other's company. There was a comforting atmosphere there that he'd tiptoed away from, not daring to interrupt that space.

Caleb wasn't jealous of Jester. He had no right to be. He was, however, a selfish man. Here while alone in his quarters, there was nothing to stop his thoughts and no one to curb his greed. No one would know but him… which was somehow still unsettling.

A selfish man who would never be able to run from his own shame.

The four lights that had been floating in the room disappeared, casting the room in complete darkness. At the very least, he didn't want to see himself. Caleb bit his bottom lip as his hand shakily made its way to his trousers. He'd felt himself growing half hard as his thoughts kept wandering. Avantika's bed had been surprisingly soft for being one out at sea. The image of Fjord laid out across it wouldn't leave his head. He pictured beads of sweat along his forehead with his hair pushed back and curled against the sheets. He'd be flushed, his cheeks a darker shade of green as he'd turn his head away into the mattress.

Caleb remembered how much Fjord floundered back in Hupperdook when the barmaid had advanced on him. He knew the way Fjord blushed and shifted his weight to try to appear smaller than he was after Jester would very bluntly flirt with him. Even when Fjord had dropped his voice lower and drawled his words when speaking to Avantika on her balcony to obtain more information, Caleb had seen it. Through Frumpkin's eyes, he'd seen the real Fjord crack a couple of times and get embarrassed then too.

Avantika's sharp, shark-like smile flashed through Caleb's mind. A predator on the hunt, searching, watching… Watching. That's what Fjord had said before. Provoke.

Avantika's smile was still there.

_Consume._

Caleb's blood ran cold. Fjord had tangled with… She had--.

No. Caleb forced the image from his mind, biting down the sudden panic. Fjord was more than capable of handling himself. Besides, it's too late. It's in the past. It's pointless to feel guilt now.

Why was he feeling guilty now when he hadn't before? What was _wrong_ with him? So many wires were getting crossed in Caleb's head. He opened his eyes and saw darkness. He sighed. He can't even allow himself ‘alone time’ like a normal person.

His breathing was too loud in the quiet room, and all he was doing was sitting there. He focused on how the room swayed ever so slightly from the ocean waves. It smelled like mildew, but Caleb had been in worse places. They were safe. No more Darktow. No more pirates, at least for now. No more Avantika.

The slight sway of the room reminded Caleb of the beach. It had been so surreal. The coolness of the water around him as he floated on the shores of Nicodranas. The way the water formed, the warmth of the sun tickling his face, the smell of saltwater. He'd felt so connected to the universe. The edge of Caleb's lips curled in amusement at the memories. Fjord had sneaked up through the water, catching him off guard. Caleb had flailed and choked on water as a result. Fjord laughed, grinned. The sun reflected in his eyes, shining light onto a playfulness there, an easy joy.

Fjord's tusks were starting to grow back. They'd been all but non-existent on the shoreline, but it's been months since then. He hadn't been filing them down lately for whatever reason unknown to Caleb. He noticed earlier this week back at the tavern in Darktow. It was prominent again now. Caleb hadn't realized he'd cataloged the way you could see Fjord tongue at them through his cheek, but he recalled it with ease. Fjord would work his jaw absentmindedly against the discomfort, pick at them with his nails when he thought no one was looking.

Caleb’s mind drifted, feeling too comfortable. A warmth stirred in his gut as his thoughts turned invasive, intrusive. _How would those tusks feel against the skin of his dick?_

Caleb's face burned. It didn't matter that he was alone. That thought felt like touching hot coals. He turned his face down, away, and closed his eyes again. He felt his blood start to run south as arousal began to rear its ugly head. He was alone. It was his own thoughts. It shouldn’t matter. It shouldn’t feel like an invasion of privacy, but somehow guilt was hovering in the back of his head.

Would Fjord be embarrassed? Probably. He didn't seem to be very experienced when it came to sex, and his tusks were a particular sore spot. That didn't stop Caleb from imagining him crouched in between in his legs though. Caleb didn’t know why he was doing this. Not the masturbating part. It wasn’t like he never masturbated when he was graced with alone time, much as some of his companions liked to joke about him being a prude. This fantasy, however, was new. Was it an effect of fading adrenaline? Was this a stress relief? Where had all of this come from? It didn’t matter. At least, not now when his mind was fogged over with too many thoughts that didn’t make sense. His mind kept landing on the image of Fjord with a dark blush high on his cheeks. Caleb sucked in a breath as he gave himself a lazy stroke, watching as Fjord took him into his mouth.

Fjord would probably take extra care not to touch him with his tusks. He'd hollow his cheeks best he could as he blew him, slow and careful. It'd be agonizing, bordering on teasing. Those tusks would brush up against him on accident and would have Fjord pulling back with apologizes already ready. Caleb gasped at the thought, tightening his grip a little on himself.

Would Fjord let Caleb fist a hand through his hair? Would Fjord be into that? No, the image was too rough, too much. Caleb wasn't going to stop to focus on the sudden gentleness whispering in the back of his head, but he changed the picture in his mind anyway. He'd tighten his grip on Fjord's shoulder and would mutter words of assurance in Zemnian.

_Bitte, Fjord._

Caleb would never whisper such vulnerabilities so easily and beg aloud even if only momentarily, but this was an act of fiction, a trick of his mind. The Caleb there was more vocal, a little braver.

Caleb pictured himself moving his hand to Fjord's face, outlining Fjord’s bottom lip with his thumb. Fjord let him, jaw going slack and mouth falling open as Caleb pushed down ever so slightly to reveal those small tusks hidden away. Caleb's half lidded eyes roamed over them, eyed how red his lips were now, the small trail of spit at the corner of his mouth before moving up to make eye contact.

“Scheiße,” Caleb breathed out. It was hard to judge his volume. He sucked his bottom lip in between his teeth again just in case.

Fjord nodded in silent understanding before leaning forward and taking him in again, blowing him more in earnest, more confidence. The slicks sounds filled the walls of Caleb's head as he quickened his strokes. It'd be rough, sting a little, dancing just on the good side of bad. It'd be intoxicating.

“J-Ja.”

_Ja. Mehr. Mehr…_

The slide would get smoother, easier. Saliva mixed with precum as Fjord worked his head up and down. His nails would be digging into Caleb's hips, shirt rucked up just enough for the nails to bite into the skin. Caleb gasped, squirming on top of the bed despite all attempts to still himself. He titled his head back, mouth agape.

Fjord hummed around him, deep and sending vibrations through him as he did. Caleb felt his orgasm building, but no, Fjord wouldn't be done with him. The humming would be more a fluke, really, just groans of his own arousal without much thought of it causing Caleb more pleasure. He'd come up with a wet pop before trailing his tongue down the underside of his cock. Fjord would take his time, curious and discovering what got a reaction from Caleb and what didn't. He'd lick at the side of his cock before flicking his tongue over the tip. It'd probably be his first blowjob, but that wouldn't mean Fjord wouldn't start to notice Caleb's impatience. He'd know when the teasing was bordering the side of cruel. Inexperienced or not, Fjord was a fast learner.

Would he be cruel or merciful? Caleb didn't know which he hoped for more.

The burning of Caleb's face shook the thought away. He just needed to get off. The wandering of his imagination was starting to be too much. Shame pushed the scene along regardless of which option Caleb's mind wanted to explore.

Fjord wouldn't touch him. No, he'd be too subconscious to do anything but alternate between squeezing and loosening his grip on Caleb's waist. Fjord was a confident man though. He didn't make any decision without a certain edge driving him. Once he made a decision, he stuck with it with sharp clarity. He'd know what he was doing to Caleb. He'd know how he was affecting him.

There'd be a pause. There'd be a moment before Fjord leaned back in that Caleb's heart would skip. He'd want to reach out. He'd want to cup Fjord's face, redirect him up as Caleb leaned down to--.

No.

Caleb wasn't like Fjord. He wasn't a confident man. Not even here.

Caleb was breathing heavy. He didn't care too much anymore. He stifled most of his moans, and that'd have to be enough. No one would overhear him like this as he worked himself.

_Ja… Ja..._

He was so close. His hand pumped as his thoughts remained on Fjord between his legs: the slick sounds, the heat of his mouth, the occasional drag of his tusks against him. It was enough, great even, _wunderbar._

“ _J-Ja,_ ” Caleb groaned one last time as he came into his hand. He stroked himself through it, hand slowing as his heavy breaths evened out.

The sexual haze over his mind cleared quicker than he expected, leaving him in the cold, dark reality again. He was alone in his quarters. No sound of footsteps or someone stirring outside. It was just him, but the isolation didn't feel like safety. It was dark now, but morning would come sooner than he'd want. They'd continue their hunt for the other eye Avantika had mentioned. They'd repair this broken and burned ship. All of which meant he'd have to face Fjord with this uncertainty that he didn't know how to name. He'd have to face him with this unknown feeling that was curling a little too tight around Caleb's chest tonight.

Tonight wasn't tomorrow. If not safe, he was still alone for now.

Caleb closed his eyes, steadying both his breathing and heart. It was a nice thought, even if he didn't deserve nice things. No, he was going to bury this. He's just tired, confused. It'd be different in the morning, he promised himself. This wasn't his to have, and it wasn't what he wanted. Not really. He had plans, goals that required most if not all of his focus. These… friends have been a refreshing change, something nice, but it wouldn't last.

Yes, that was right. It wouldn't last. It couldn't. Not with where he needed to be and with the things Caleb still needed to do. He couldn't get distracted… which, of course, there was nothing to get distracted by anyway.

There wasn't much within these quarters, but Caleb did his best to clean himself up. He'd do a more proper job in the morning when he had more energy. He tucked himself back into his trousers, secured his books away into the holster hidden underneath the bed, and curled up under the covers.

As his mind finally started to drift towards sleep, he found himself losing consciousness against the swaying feeling of the ship. If his mind drifted towards a sandy beach and the grin of a smug half-orc again, he let himself have one last selfish moment tonight.


End file.
